On Envy

I've always been a perfectionist in that I want to be the best at whatever I do, or at least, a strong threat. There's been one aspect in my life that is the illusive treasure: music. I've always wanted to perform, ever since I was a little. I learned to read music at seven, when I was ten when I started taking lessons and thirteen when I started playing guitar. My love for music was crippled by a crushing stage fright, but I still struggled on. When I got older and started meeting people interested in performance, envy entered my life.

The hardest thing was that it seemed so easy for everyone else. They were careless with it, they had fun with it, and I cut my wrists over it, practicing for hours only to have my voice crack and my fingers slip in rehearsal and performance. I stopped guitar lessons. I told my voice teacher I couldn't come see her anymore. It was a while before I tried picking up my guitar and singing seriously again. Then I opened a Youtube account and overcame my fear of recording and exposed myself to the public. I waited. Nothing. I didn't know what I had to do to finally get noticed. I got smart with my song choices, choosing mainstream hits I otherwise wouldn't have touched. While everyone else around me was praised, I felt like I was slowly turning invisible.

I think envy is one of the hardest things to admit we have. We insult the people we are intimidated by. We develop excuses for ourselves. I'm slowly beginning to learn that you really can't compare yourself to other people. It's about doing what you love, no matter what people say, good or bad. 'Cause if what we want is attention, it'll never be enough, we'll never be satisfied.